It wasn’t my undeniable, unresolved childhood trauma. The images of my mother and father using needles “secretly” around me and my sister.
It couldn’t have been the adult I was rushed into by having a child so young.
No, it sure couldn’t have been the depression and emptiness I felt as I watched my mother die before my eyes from years of her own battle of addiction.
Nor could it be the thought of my fathers suicide and the image of the very bridge he jumped from.
No my addiction started and ENDED with me.
All of these traumas were just chapters of my life story. These things didn’t have to define me.
I let these images and emptiness in because its all I ever knew. I indulged in reckless behavior and years of addiction because I was comfortable there.
Guilt wasn’t enough for me to stop. There was not a single soul on this earth that was going to help me stop.
Why does it take us so long to realize we deserve better?
That WE deserve to be undeniably happy with the person we are.
We’re comfortable in our addiction and chaotic life. We think we have it “all under control.”
We do not.
I often wonder what I look like from others prospective now. Sober me.
I was so confident as an addict. Untouchable, careless and wild. But I wasn’t happy.
Today, sober and nearing 30, not as confident but my soul is at peace. I’m not fighting the same demons I once was for so many years. I’m not rushing through life with anxiety because my dealer won’t answer a text or call.
I’ve let that little girl inside me with so much trauma and heartache finally go to rest.
It’s time for this new chapter of life to be fulfilling and breathtaking and not rushed.
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