Sober. I can finally say I am sober.
Years of pretending to be sober or just a fun drunk seemingly destroyed my life.
It wasn’t just one thing, it was all of it. I wanted anything that would destroy my outlook on reality because I didn’t care.
Years I drank my self stupid. Every night alone I drank and used and made a fool of myself.
Why didn’t I see it then? Why didn’t I see the mess and chaos I was causing? The hurt in my children from having such a chaotic life with mom. The hurt in my husband from having this new unknown wife who is an addict and a liar.
I will never fully understand why I didn’t get tired of my bullshit sooner.
Maybe it was because I pretended to be sober for so long only to realize…people weren’t falling for my bullshit.
I got sober for no one but myself. I chose to have a healthier less chaotic life for my children. The pain in my husband and children’s eyes were never enough for me to be completely sober.
I needed to become so tired of my own bullshit and tired of “pretending” to find myself.
That’s where your life really begins again, when you let go of everything you’re NOT and allow yourself to slowly come back to the world.