Guilt in Recovery- The Years Pass While Guilt Stays

Everyone knows how empowering it feels to kick an addiction and come out on top. But, nobody tells you about the immense amount of guilt you were going to feel reflecting on your past self and mistakes you made. Yes, you make your amends and you apologize to who you need and you’re supposed to let go. Just like that, you have to come to terms with the people you hurt along the way. Nobody tells you just how absolutely heart breaking it is going to be to come to terms with the fact that during your self-destruction journey you tore apart the very people who hung on to who they knew you could be.

Years later and here I am once again dragging my heart through the ringer because I can not believe that the amount of love my husband has for me is still here after putting him through the worst years of our lives. I know, I know it’s time to move on Lyndsi. It’s time for me to allow myself to receive the love my husband has been trying to shower me in since the day we met.

My addiction and emotional patterns stem from childhood trauma and an intense fight or flight reaction that I have never been able to grow from until now. I have never worked so hard on myself than I have these past couple of years and this is something I need help with and I am not afraid to say it is hard as hell.

I constantly apologize to my husband. I constantly let him know how much I love and appreciate everything he has done for me. Why? Because the things I have done in the past still eat me alive.

My husband sent this to me this morning. How did I get so damn lucky?! When do I start feeling that I am enough for his love?! But how very true he is. Five years ago I was lost, beat down, and destroying everything I loved.

At what point do I finally let go of what I did and who I was and accept that the person I am today is healing and worthy?

Recovering addicts and children of addicts are some of the strongest people you will ever meet. I don’t just say that because I have been grateful enough to survive and overcome both. I say that because I know how easy it could have been to give up. How easy it is to go backwards and say “screw it, I am better off numb.

The silent battles we face each and every day would be enough for any regular person to throw in the towel. Not us, we have seen the dark and lived in it for so long that there is no way in hell we want to go back. We just need better coping mechanisms to get us along our recovery journey. Better ways of letting go of what was and allowing what will be.

The ones that have stood beside us in our darkest moments are the ones we will cherish forever. Patience all around plays a big part in healing. Patience in yourself to know you are slowly but surely becoming the person you needed to be long ago. Patience from those who love you for all that you are and who you are meant to be.

Here’s to letting go.

Fight Or Flight Mode: Always Engaged

So, I took a bit of a hiatus from writing or sharing anything for a couple weeks just because I could NOT for the life of me focus on anything for more than two seconds. Shout out to my stress and anxiety for that! WACKKK.

Anyway, I didn’t even plan on sharing much this week either, even though we have taken a couple of pretty intense road trips and had some pretty share worthy experiences the last couple weeks I felt that I needed to release some of what I had been dealing with inside my head. For what it’s worth, I just hope it helps someone else going through a similar situation.

If you have read my past posts then you know I have dealt with some pretty heavy sh*t in my life and being a recovering addict. Recovery has been the greatest part of my journey thus far and I have realized so much more about my life than I ever could have imagined by simply digging down deep and continuing on this self-growth journey. BUT, this has also been the hardest things I have ever had to do. Being an addict was easy. Being on medications for all of these psychological problems or mental illness doctors pinged on me was easy. I was zombie for all those years and I had no want or need to feel anything but the numbness that came with being on medicine or being drunk and high. I also had no reason to dig down within and heal myself from past traumas or mistakes I had made and let that sh*t go. Until now. Sober Lyndsi would enjoy a more peaceful mind and soul. What I thought I had healed from just scratched the surface of what I really need to face head on. And at 28 it is about damn time to heal from those mistakes and childhood traumas and just be happy. I have a LOT of letting go to do.

As I laid in bed last night I began my nightly ritual of trying to calm my pounding heart and racing mind. It usually never works and my thoughts just take over until I become so exhausted with it I somehow fall asleep and start the same process over again in the morning as soon my mind wakes up. But, last night I had a short glimpse of relief. I saw myself as a young child at the beach with my mother. She was in her beach chair surrounded by seaweed smiling away with her crooked drunk grin as the sea breeze blew her short blonde hair away from her face. It all came in so vividly. This was my mothers favorite place and where I spent my entire childhood each and every chance we had. This was probably the last real time I had ever felt a real peace in my life. Being a care-free six year old, burying my legs in the sand while my favorite person in the entire world smiled and took in every single moment. And now I can only try and remember those moments because they became so far and in between shortly after. My mind has always been on fight or flight mode and I had no idea. Even after the all years and all the hard work I have put into being a better person and healing. I am still that child that is in a constant fight or flight mode and have yet to learn how to just find my peace in nothing happening. From a traumatized child to the young mother who’s father killed himself to the woman who watched her mother die, I have been in a constant survival mode going from one trauma to the next. Who THE F*CK wouldn’t be afraid of what’s coming next?! How do you tell your mind everything is going to be okay when your heart has had just about all it can take and always expects the worst?! I haven’t yet figured that out. I know my history and I know my patterns. Everything will be going fine and in true Lyndsi fashion I will make something out of nothing because that is what is supposed to happen right?! Something must go wrong if things are too peaceful for too long right?! Uh, absolutely not. But try telling that to my ding dang brain that has been fully equipped with tools on how to self sabotage and a heart ready to flee at any given moment. Yeah, it may take a bit longer on my healing journey but I know where I need to start.

The good news is, it is never too late to work on yourself and learn new ways of thinking and DAMN IT give yourself a fighting chance to learn those things! If I have learned anything from the last couple weeks of battling my own mind and shutting out everything and everyone, is that you are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for. We are wanted, we are needed AND we are worthy of happiness WITHOUT chaos and destruction.

Personal Journey For A Less Red and Irritated Face!

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So, as I have mentioned before the desert has tried to kill me since we have been here! Well, not seriously but it sure has not been a pleasant ride. The direct sun, and my skin just do not mix at all. Trying to keep up all the moisturizing and trying figuring out why on earth my hair was falling out (that is a whole other story) has been very time consuming. I tried all the creams, vitamins and D.I.Y treatments I could come across. I was at my wits end. My face was always red and burning and never felt right.

I finally decided to stop everything and try a restart. Yeah, I had no idea what that meant or what it would help but I decided it had to start with my insides.

I started eating healthier, and eating a ton of anti-inflammatory (in hopes to lessen the redness in my face). Stopped all the hard exfoliating. I drink at least a gallon or more of water a day which is easy because I am not a big soda drinker anyway. This seemed to help, but I wasn’t entirely satisfied so I added a few more vitamins. I added a Beet Root and Omega 3 fatty acids along with my Women’s Hair, Skin and Nails vitamins. Slowly my face was looking better. And I actually started to feel better (who knew, self care huh?!). But now, I needed help protecting my face from the dry climate and intense sun.

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Although I stopped applying makeup for the time being, I knew I needed to continue a simple moisturizer that would not irritate my face in any way. My face has shown to be sensitive to just about any product. It only took me about 348 attempts to find something that worked for me but I finally found it! I went to a dermatologist and although he was not much help with identifying the root of my problems he sent me off with a sample bag full of products to try. La Roche Posay was one of those samples and thankful for me, it has worked great with my skin and I haven’t tried any thing else since. It is light weight, oil free, safe for sensitive skin and most of all it works for me. I chose their Effaclar Mat because it helps with my huge ugly pores as well. The product does not irritate my skin, and does not leave an oily layer like most of the other products I have tried. I also decided to add their sunscreen to my routine because just like their moisturizer it is great for sensitive skin and leaves the skin feeling smooth and not heavy. (Honestly I’m sure their entire line is probably great but I will stick to what I know!) It also saved me from having to find a sunscreen that will fit all my needs and this one definitely does. The great thing about each of these products is that they are affordable and effective!

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I know every one has different skin care needs, and the road to find an effective skin care product is ridiculous. My needs may not fit yours, but maybe they will save you the trouble of going down the same long tiring road of products that just do not work!

These are my personal results, and if I am being honest, it is super embarrassing to post. Even with my unflattering pictures, I am all about helping someone out! Hopefully this gives you a push in the right direction!

So Long Nevada!

So how about Thanksgiving 2020, eh? I mean, I feel like it was not as bad as some of my past Thanksgiving get-together’s. But, it sure didn’t feel like the “norm” either.

Thanksgiving has been a pretty dreaded holiday for me for the past five years anyway. It only happens to mark the last holiday I ever spent with my mother (If you would call it that). She made it maybe 5 minutes at the dinner table with us and had to lay down in my bedroom for the rest of the time. She passed away just four days later. Sad yes, the reason our Thanksgiving felt weird? Not really.

I have never had a Thanksgiving that did not feel rushed and “put together” like we did this year. Steaks. We had steaks. No ham, no turkey, no deviled eggs. No rushing, no cute holiday outfit to prance around the living room in. Nothing but business as usual. Not that I hated it, it just was different.

To be totally honest it was my first Thanksgiving I was really sober and in a good mental space. I was not crying over my mom at every little turn. I didn’t have any crazy expectation to meet because my mom did it. I was just enjoying my day.

Maybe I am also a little peppier these days just because we are FINALLY getting out of Nevada and this awful desert life in just sixteen short days!!!! I know, I should take in each and every beautiful destination we come across but I am pretty sure the desert has tried to kill me. Seriously, this sun is awful. No rain is awful. We happened to move here and in our unlucky Runge fashion, we experienced record breaking heat. Lets not forget the crazy high prices on every single item is just ridiculous! I am more than ready to get out of here! It has been real Nevada, but you have not been nice. Glad to mark that off the map and move on!

Anyway enough bashing I suppose. Things could be worse! We are finally heading back home to Texas waiting out the lay off and working on our tiny home. In a sense, I am in fact panicking a little, but I try to look at the bright side of everything. We finally get some down time to just be together and work on something together while the husband is not working. This should be interesting considering he gets stir crazy on his one day off a week! I’m sure I can find enough honey-do’s for him to last a week or so! Ha!

I always need a plan and if there is not a “plan” I tend to get a little obnoxious. I am literally all over the place scrambling the internet for job openings or what ever else my mind believes we will need while he is laid off. Yes, we saved for this but as I mentioned before “Runge” luck. Our truck that I used to haul our car here gave out. Total engine replacement. Did I mention it is 16 days till we LEAVE? YAY! Moving back across country with two kids two adults and a Great Dane all in a compact, tiny Ford Focus sounds like the perfect send off Nevada could give us. BOO!

All in all we made it a whole year travelling from Texas to Oklahoma, Arizona and Nevada. We have seen so many amazing sights. I have learned so many different things about myself and family along this trip. I have learned how resilient my children are being faced with the pressures of homeschooling and distant learning. I have felt the compassion of my husband while I thought I could not be a mother, teacher and wife all at once. Last but not least I have found a spark in myself that I would have never found without this journey. We have overcame so many challenges and struggles together as a family that I could not be anymore proud of us. We did this all together, and we made it…barely…but we made it.

There is no telling where we will end up on our travels or what is in store for us next, but there is no doubt that when we are together as a family we are strong, we are happy and we are home.

So long desert sun! ‘Till next time!

-Lyndsi

Gifts For Moms Just Under $30

If you are looking for gifts for Mom or the wife this Christmas but wanting to keep it budget friendly, I recommend these great gifts for keeping it just under $30. Plus they’re a nice way of ending 2020 a little more pleasantly than it started!

Simply click on the image to check it out!

*DISCLAIMER-This post contains affiliate links which means I make a small commission if you purchase an item at no extra cost to you.*

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This gift is perfect for mom and definitely a gift that keeps on giving. Unwrap a beautiful ring in each candle.

We all know moms everywhere love a good pair of slippers to keep those ice cold toes warm in the cold months. How cute are these?!

If you know Mom needs a brand new set of jammies to walk into Christmas morning with…check these out! How comfortable!

I can speak for most moms when I say moisturizing is a big part of our skin care routine. But if she has sensitive skin or you do not want anything irritating to the skin I definitely recommend this soothing lavender bath oil. It is all natural and even better they offer a FULL REFUND if you are not satisfied. Pretty great deal if ya ask me!

It is finally sweater weather where we are in Nevada and I could NOT wait to break out all my comfy sweaters! This cardigan is super cute AND it has snack holders…I mean pockets!!!!

Moms can never have enough shoes..especially for fall. We all need a good pair of booties to rock our best fall outfits and these are cute and can be paired with just about anything!

Just like shoes women love jewelry. This Azora bohemian wrap bracelet is adorable and perfect for any lady in your life! Also, it comes in right under $15. Super great deal!

Going along with the fall must haves…I LOVE this plaid, triangle scarf. Warm & cute!

Having a makeup bag to carry your makeup around with you while you travel is just as essential as having a suitcase for your clothes! Check out this super cute marble pattern makeup organizer for only $17.98!

So, I recently came across this shoe brand online called Adokoo and I am obsessed! Super affordable and so cute! And so many different styles to chose from! These are definitely top on my “must have” list. Starting at $18.99! LOVE!

You can NEVER have too many pairs of sunglasses! Trust me, if my husband gifted me with new shades I would think he put a ton of thought into it. Seriously. Simple but very useful. Plus, these are really stinking cute! Only $13.86!!

So I am ALL for having useful products in our camper that would benefit our limited space…I have to admit I never knew I needed it. Until now. This Cup Cozy Pillow is so neat! Perfect for coffee in bed or the couch!!

If she doesn’t already have one…she needs a vanity with lights for sure. Nobody likes going out in public with a different shade of makeup than we originally thought we had. This cute vanity has 3 color lightening modes and folds in which is super great for space saving!

If you haven’t realized by now, most of us moms rely on coffee to get us through the day. I know we are super hero’s, but we all need a little push. You can never go wrong with a great coffee mug, and this one says it all! And best of all, it comes in right under $20!

We can all agree that a good night sleep helps anyone with a productive day. Being a full time mom who home schools both kids I LOVE bedtime. I would be lying if I said I didn’t need the television on every night to fall asleep to. A white noise machine is the perfect answer for that and can double for help getting the kids to sleep as well! Perfect for the whole family! And for $19.99 it is a steal!

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The Importance of Boundaries

It’s no secret that the key to having a happier life starts with your mindset. Sounds easy right? Wrong! It has only taken me, oh I don’t know…my entire twenties to realize this. Don’t let it be you too. It hasn’t been easy by any means. I am what you would call a “people pleaser.” I would regularly put others happiness and feelings before my own 100% of the time… all of the time. My mind had finally become so filled with everyone else’s bullsh*t, it was time I made some changes.

It was somewhere between isolation and detaching that I finally started to really find myself. And that took boundaries.

Detaching was crucial for my self discovering journey. I spent so much time seeking gratification elsewhere and from others that I never knew what it was like to actually accept me…for me. I feel emotions and energy a hell of a lot more than I would like but that is who I am and I am finally learning to love her. I mean, it has only taken me years of insignificant relationships and looking for acceptance from others to realize all I need is to understand myself fully. I had to take a step back from everything and everyone all at once. I had to realize I was the only person in the way of my own happiness. I was allowing everyone’s opinion and image of me control that. We cannot help what other people say or think. We cant control others point of views. Not everyone believes or thinks the same way as you. And that is perfectly fine…if you don’t allow it to eat at you. But of course all of our opinions are the correct ways of thinking right?! Nope. Never gonna happen.

When everything and everyone around you starts to become so overwhelming and nothing seems to be going your way. It is time to take a step back and re-evaluate. Find yourself again. Your true self. Create healthy (I cannot stress this enough) boundaries. Get rid of social media if you need to, take some time for yourself and focus on making you better. Honestly, I think getting rid of all my social media accounts was probably the best idea I had in a very long time. The endless scrolling through filtered BS and the crazy standards of people became so overwhelming. Why I added that on top of my already messy mind each day is beyond me.

Detach from anyone or anything that just plain is not making your life easier at the moment. Sounds a bit cruel, but I promise you, it makes it so much easier to work on yourself and only yourself. If they take offense to you working on yourself, they might have issues of their own to work on. But I am telling you, if the slightest inconvenience of someone else’s opinion of you makes you cringe and you automatically want to fix it…don’t. Do not let that consume you. Always have the power to let it go. Reel yourself back in and breathe. Create a better you, for yourself and only yourself. The happier and healthier your mindset is the less you give a damn. And boy I am getting better at not giving a damn every single day.

If I had to give anyone advice on becoming a better version of yourself, it would be to give yourself time. Work on it little by little each and every day. Always put yourself first. Stop putting up with crap you would not allow yourself to put others through. If you have to set boundaries with family…do it. Let go of any unhealthy relationships. And last but not least make sure you always have your best intentions at heart. You cannot pour from an empty cup my friends.

My absolute favorite ^^

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An Addicts Help

I feel like I haven’t had much time lately to sit and truly express myself like I have been and last night something just pulled at my little heart strings and I knew I had to get it out.

My husband drinks. Every day. Like clock work. Yes, as a recovering addict this could be triggering but surprisingly, I do not crave alcohol as much as I craved my other drugs of choice. Maybe it is because hes my husband and that he is so good to me, that I hadn’t let it bother me much.

Recently my husband has been experiencing some slight health issues and of course my first thoughts are “you need to lose the friggin’ beer!” Oh, but how ironic of me right?! The same man who begged me for years to to put down the booze, not because of my health but for the sake of our family. And here I am preaching to him about the affects of alcohol. Sheesh.

My thought process was ‘how much better my mind and body feels being sober’, and that he would too. Besides that, if we do not learn and grow together there is always going to be miscommunication somewhere…right?! But look how long it actually took me to realize that on my own? Literally years.

It is quite different once the tables are turned. I mean, take my journey for example…Inpatient rehab, outpatient rehab, AA meetings and church was never even enough for me…what the hell are my words going to do for him?! I see now why there are so many different approaches to this. There is never really one good answer.

I have seen what alcohol seemingly does to the body. I sat and watched it turn my my strong independent mother into a frail, bed ridden, dying woman. Yet again, that was not enough for me to stray away from it. Sadly, that was just my beginning for a downward spiral with alcohol and drugs.

I have also seen the resilience in my husbands approach to steering me out of that life. He never gave up on me, and knew I was still worth being saved. I’ll be damned if I don’t return the favor, and help him become a better him. But how?!

Now I am nowhere saying my husband is anything like me. No, not at all. His behavior when he drinks never seems to change. He is not self destructive like I was. He doesn’t go out and ruin his life every time he drinks. And he still wakes up each morning (gets a little harder these days) and works his ass off. The kind of “drinker” I tried to be.

I often ask him if he has ever experienced some sort of “ah ha” moment or “awakening” in life and always get the same answer. “I’ve always been the same, just me.” I only ask because I hadn’t experienced this either until I really got sober. If only I could take what I have experienced with becoming sober and show him how much more peaceful it has made my mind become. I know persistence is key with him. Nagging probably doesn’t help, but man is that easy for me! haha.

Either way, I only want the best and to experience more of this crazy life with a happier and healthier husband. I guess deep down I always knew I wanted to help others with these struggles, who knew I would start right here at home.

Share Your Story

Living life on life’s terms is hard. It is hard to accept some of the things that happen to us. We want to rush through life or have an answer for everything. For what? The end result is the same for all of us. But what we endure along the way, makes us each so different.

Whether we eat healthy, work out and do all of the “right” things…there is no telling what will happen next. Life is so odd that way.

This is why I am so interested in everyone’s “story”. We all have one. Good or bad, I find each person so unique given the story behind them.

Life gives each of us a personal book. Full of twists and turns, humor and dark chapters. Some more than others. Honestly, sometimes I kick myself for not asking my mom to write more about her life because boy, was she a wild one.

I am not someone you would pin as “loud and outgoing”. No, I am more of the “read your emotions” kind. Or, a people watcher. Watcher of all the people, if ya will. (Haha)

I can sit in a mall and give each person a back story just solely based on their actions I see. Yes, I know I am probably never right. But isn’t it fun to guess? I think we all hit a point in life where we just wonder what the heck we are here for. What is the point in all of this? But I suppose that is the beauty of living life on “life’s terms“. We never know what is happening next for us really. I guess this is why I chose to start sharing my story. A story in which almost ended way too early. Maybe one day my children will read the things I have wrote and understand mom was just as human and full of emotion just as anyone else. We are all in this crazy roller coaster ride of life together and sometimes we just need to feel like our story is worth being told. Yes, we are all human and share the same emotions. But I am interested in what made you the way you are. The things that make you, YOU.

So, tell me a part of your story you are proud of . Heck, even something you may not be proud of, but it made you who you are.

Because our stories are meant to be shared.

-Lyndsi

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15 Super Cute Christmas Decorations For RVs

With the way 2020 has been I decided to decorate the inside of my camper for Christmas early this year. I’ve never been the super over the top kind of Christmas decorator, but I needed something positive to walk into each day. So, I thought I would share a few items that fit perfectly in a camper space and are super cute! Plus, they are super affordable and great for anyone on a budget!

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How cute are these ornaments?!

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The Hard Days

Some days are just better than others. Today was not one of those days. I wanted to give up today. Nothing I did seemed right. Everything I have worked so hard for..I wanted to just say “screw it!”

The person I am today has spent so much time “fixing” everything past me has messed up. And today, I just lost it.

I cried. I cried hard. I’m talking the gross, snotty tears that you cry so hard it takes a minute to catch your breath kind of stuff.

Trying to repair myself and life all at once has been costly. Not only meaning money wise, but mentally, emotionally and physically. As if it wasn’t bad enough on my marriage and children…my addictions took a toll on my overall health. I am constantly in a battle of which problem to tackle next on my health. “Should I go to the dentist or doctor this month?”, “My teeth hurt, but I should check on my stomach issues.” Each month it’s like there is something new. I know I did these things to myself, but when you are an addict these problems are last on your list. You think “I’ll take care of that when it gets here.” Well Lyndsi, it’s here. I know, I swore not to dwell on my past self, but man has she consumed me today!

It wasn’t until my daughter came in to give me a LEGO heart that her and her brother made for me that I really caught my breath.

My children have literally been through it all with me. My son even more so. We have done a lot of growing up together in his short ten years. I have done a a pretty good job at keeping my emotions to myself lately…until today.

I know they don’t truly understand, but the way they only wanted to help mom smile tells me I have got to be doing something right.

I can’t just give up. I am doing this life for them.

Yes, some days are going to be better than others, but there is still one goal. To live a life I am proud of. If that means crying my eyeballs out on a Monday afternoon and then conquering my Tuesday morning, I am here for it.

Lyndsi