Finding Peace Anywhere

Lately I have been feeling pretty overwhelmed. As you know, living in a camper can get that way. In the midst of preparing for a layoff, finding home school balance and now Christmas…it’s easy to feel like it’s all too much.

This past weekend my husband finally had a full weekend off and after all of our camper errands were ran he wanted to show us what he has been working on this entire time we have been in Nevada. I might not have mentioned it much but my husband is a Crane Operator and helps change the look of our landscape. (Its way cooler to say it that way!) He has been a part of the building of a wind farm in Arizona for the last six months. (Also, this is a terrible photo but one I took myself.)

Terrible photo of Wind Turbines

Mind you, I have never in our 8 years of marriage EVER been interested in what he does. The endless conversations he has with co-workers are 99% about cranes or wind turbines and I never took any interest in listening. Until now.

These things are massive…the cranes they use are massive and to be honest I guess my mind has never been as clear as it is these days (chalk that right up to drugs and alcohol) to really understand all of this. We pass these wind farms all the time knowing my husband helps build them, but it has never really clicked I guess. He gets to help build these structures that change the layout of landscape for our future.

We drove through the park looking up at all of these turbines turning, listening to the incredible sound they make as the huge fan blades whoosh through the air. My husband was in his happy place. The excitement in his words as he explained each and every part was enough to make my little heart explode! I was finally listening. Not only was I listening, but I was soaking in each and every detail he gave us. I finally understand his fascination with cranes and building these enormous structures. I wanted to learn, I wanted to hear what he had to say.

I felt a certain peace just being there with them and learning about something I have been around for years now.

Becoming a better me has benefited not only myself as a person but everything around me seems to be a little more clear. I no longer have this incredible feeling of absolute guilt every day for something I have done or some terrible brain fog that I can’t shake. My brain seems to understand more and take things in more easily. I enjoy the small things I used to take for granted. I enjoy listening, and taking in new things. The exact opposite of who I once was.

As we left his job site we came across one of the most amazing double rainbows I had ever seen. I couldn’t help but to think I am exactly where I need to be in my life right now. Sober, clear headed and HERE for my husband and kids.

Staying off drugs and alcohol has probably been one of the most toughest parts of my adult life (so damn hard!), but it has been one of the most rewarding for sure.

-Lyndsi

*Disclaimer- This post may contain affiliate links*

Stuck on what to get the hubby or that special someone for Christmas this year? If so, welcome to my world each and every year! Living in a camper space is tight. Plus, it doesn’t help that I may have one of the hardest husbands to buy for, or I just suck at picking up his subtle hints. Either way I have decided to make a list for all of us left scratching our heads in the shopping mall for our spouse.

Travelling is what my husband knows best. He has worked in this field now for close to 15 years. Some of the views he gets to take in each day are pretty outstanding. But, the pictures he takes on his phone just never do them justice. Which brings me to number one.

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Trust me, If we would of had this on our trip to the Hoover Dam my husband would of had a field day!! They are super neat, compact and the quality is AWESOME. Plus, who doesn’t like a good picture?

Now, If your’e looking for something for your husbands’ most prized possession….his beard (well if he has one that is!). I have found the perfect (to me!) bundle for your special someone and his facial hair. Plus, it is super duper affordable and there is always room in a camper for beard essentials.

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This bundle is perfect for all his beard needs! My husband uses his beard straightener EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Seriously, he takes better care of that beard than I do my hair. (I am totally okay with that, I dig his beard ;P)

Last but certainly NOT least…The Traeger Grill and Smoker.

Click here to check it out!–

Every full time camper needs a great grill. Not only because food just taste better on a grill, but space is limited for cooking inside a camper. This grill even folds up and super easy for storage! Seriously, I love cooking small meals inside but being able to cook a good meal like chicken, steaks or burgers outside is the best. My husband LOVES using this for smoking meats and they turn out delicious if I don’t say so myself!

Living in a camper doesn’t mean you can’t have the things you would have if you lived in a home, it just means you have to get creative with what you get! Hopefully this gives you a little help in the shopping department for your special someone!

-Lyndsi

I’m not exactly sure when it all clicked for me, or what I was doing that day. But one day I finally felt a little better. If I had to guess.. it comes down to three simple things.

  • Have a positive influence. Having someone who sees what a beautiful human you are and truly knows there is something wonderful under all that chaos to be discovered. If you don’t have a “person” BECOME that person. Read something positive, give yourself pep talks, scroll through positive quotes on Facebook all day. Do whatever YOU need to have something positive in your life. Everyone needs someone to tell them its all going to be alright in the end. Thankfully I have two. My husband- whom I’ve let down more times than I can count, and my best friend- the one person who has been by my side through every stage of my crazy life.
  • Motivation. Why do you want to become better? What keeps you pushing and coming back for more in this world? What exactly is it that keep those feet sturdy on the ground and moving forward? For me, it will always be my children. Even when I made the worst decisions as a mother. The endless days and months I let them down. They still looked at me with loving eyes for guidance. That is my greatest motivation.
  • The Will. You have to have the will to to learn more. You have to realize you have been repeating the same actions over and over again and its getting the same crap results. The will to not only survive as a human but to THRIVE. My will had to be dug up from the very pit I buried it in. I had given up. Given up on myself, my marriage and my life. I thought I was already too far gone. It seemed like it wasn’t until I allowed myself to believe there was positive in my life, that I started to see change.

I’m no expert but I believe with everything in me that these are the very reasons I am who I am right now in this chapter of my life. When I finally allowed myself to let in the good and learn a new way of living is the day I started to enjoy the person I am becoming.

-Lyndsi

Patience In Recovery

It takes many years for some. It definitely has for me.

It does not happen over night.

Recovery goes at its own pace and is different for everyone.

Recovery isn’t about just sobering up. No, recovery means healing the parts of you, YOU have tried to drown for so long.

I do not believe there is ever an end to “becoming better”. If we truly want better, we must work every day to make sure those unhealed parts of us are brought to the surface and faced head on.

It is painful.

Some of it is ugly.

Very ugly.

I have kicked some a** on not wanting to drink or use for a better me. But healing the parts of myself that brought me there are still a daily struggle.

I’m impatient. Very, very impatient. I like quick fixes for everything.

I always find something wrong with with myself that can be worked on. But, there is no magic pill for personal growth.

I stopped fighting the demons from my past and welcomed the worry of the future head on. This has taken a toll on my mental clarity.

Patience is something I have always struggled with. But don’t we all?

We all want happiness…but we want it NOW.

The thought of the hard work we have to do to get there gets so overwhelming we put it off. BUT GUESS WHAT? The years still pass.

Nothing slows down for us.

Time waits for no-one.

What if we had been working on our happiness and goals that entire time? Instead of all the “quick fixes”. Where would we be down the road? Yes, always live in the moment, but never let go of why you want to become better.

I live life between living to be present and constantly overwhelming myself with plans of the future.

Finding a meeting point between knowing you have done all you can for the day and wishing we had done more is something we all long for. What a sense of peace.

The process of becoming a better version of yourself can be overwhelming…who am I kidding? It is overwhelming. But, the exact moment you can look back and say “damn, I have come a long way from who I once was” is a part of that peace we long for.

A sense of pride knowing YOU ARE capable of anything YOU set your mind to is so empowering. Happiness is a journey and I have only started paving my pathway.

So, today I choose to be patient with myself, and know I have done my absolute best for a better tomorrow.

-Lyndsi

That’s A Huge…BRIDGE!

(Catch my “Deuce Bigalo” pun!?)

So, since my husband has been working in Arizona, we have lived in Arizona and Nevada most of Covid (yikes). With all of the restrictions on things we hadn’t been able to see the Hoover Dam. Well, up until a couple weeks ago you couldn’t. And to be honest, I was perfectly content about not ever seeing it. I’m terribly afraid of heights…and bridges…something about falling to my death somehow or someway takes over me. Also, the whole dad suicide thing gives me the quivers as well.

Anyway, my husband had been religiously keeping up on when they will open back up to the public. He’s seen it before when he was younger and wanted to experience with us. Obviously I couldn’t hold him or the kids back from this once in a lifetime chance for a lot of people. Even me.

Well after sun screening the sh*t out of my face and kids, we were off on yet another Runge adventure.

Y’all, I made it up the stair walk and little informative tunnels up to the bridge and I was done. The noises of the flying passing semis and the thought of walking right beside it all consumed me. All of this..just to look over the side of one of the tallest dang bridges I’ve ever come across…stopped my mom britches in their tracks.

Yep. I chickened out. I did not go to the look over on the bridge AND I nearly held my daughter back from going as well. I’m not sure why but my anxiety about the heights made my mama heart think she was in danger and I told her to stay beside me. My poor baby cried because she wanted to go with her brother and dad. I knew my fears were irrational so, I stayed back and had the husband hold her hand tightly.

The pure excitement on my girls face when they came marching back to me was priceless. And to think she almost missed it because of my irrational fears…ugh. (Just one more reason to continue working on myself!)

The view from the bridge over Hoover Dam

We went ahead and finished up our day adventure by driving on down to the dam and taking the walk from the Nevada side down to the Arizona side. I must say, it was some of the most amazing views I had ever seen.

Though, I made sure to stay furthest from the sides of the wall to hinder my anxiety, I still took in the certain “awe” you get from being on and around something so massive.

All in all, the day was one for the books. My kids got to see some amazing structures and learn about the Hoover Dam. My husband got to finally check this off his to-do list and well I…I got the chance to be present and in the moment with them all.

My kids may not realize it but these are the memories and adventures I keep pushing myself for. The reason I wake up each day and try a little harder. I want these memories to be something they pull out to talk to their kids and grand children about.

I get a new chance every day to live in these moments. I am nowhere near where I want to be, but I am better than who I was yesterday, and she is a hell of a lot better than who I was just two years ago.

Bridge over dam that I did not walk on!
The dam looking down from bridge.
At least I got pictures with them on the dam!
My reasons for being better, taking in some awesome views.
My husband and I in front of the dam bridge 😉

Love the views? Check out this awesome drone that will ABSOLUTELY help you capture those amazing, breathtaking views.

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Let The Past Die, So YOU Can Live.

My past is just that, the past. I no longer spend so much time sitting in my bed thinking of the horrible, cringe worthy, shitty (so. very. shitty) things I did while I drowned out my demons. It wasn’t until recently and with the help of my very best friend that I actually found a tiny glimpse of peace with it. See, the things I had done I never felt any guilt for. I didn’t feel that guilt for most of the things I had done until years later while in the process of repairing myself. Yes, I am a very kind person sober. Drunk Lyndsi, oh boy, not so much. High Lyndsi? She was friendly, wayyy too “friendly.”And drunk Lyndsi, she was around more often than not.

Its kind of ironic ya know, I watched my mom be the “drunk” everywhere we went and I swore I would never be that mom. Yet, as soon as she died from cirrhosis of the liver my first thought was to wash down my pain with anything I could get my hands on. Kind of makes you wonder what kind of demons my mother was fighting on her own? Guess I’ll never truly know.

Funny how things work. When you you finally put in the work to dig yourself out of the hell you put yourself in, you see yourself as a whole different person. The things or person you were before now make your stomach sick. The very thought of being the person I am today doing these things rocked me to my core.

For months I struggled with “why” why on earth did I have to do these things to my family. The only people in the entire world who stood beside me through failed rehab attempts, stupid embarrassing drunk nights and down right unpleasant come downs from whatever I was using the night before. I dragged them through hell with me and still they loved me.

That’s unconditional love y’all, and I finally realize that. For so long I was mourning the loss of my mother’s unconditional love that I pushed away every attempt of unconditional love my little family so willingly tried to shower me in. My husband just wanted me better, he wanted his wife back. And he fought like hell to get me back while I fought like hell to stay in the comfortable numb place I had buried myself in.

It gets a little easier every day, but I always have to put in the work. I have to push myself to make better choices than the day before. Getting better doesn’t just happen over night, it comes in phases and I’m glad to say the phase of dwelling on my past has nearly ended.

Addiction “Trap”- Why I Fell So Hard Into Addiction

It wasn’t my undeniable, unresolved childhood trauma. The images of my mother and father using needles “secretly” around me and my sister.

It couldn’t have been the adult I was rushed into by having a child so young.

No, it sure couldn’t have been the depression and emptiness I felt as I watched my mother die before my eyes from years of her own battle of addiction.

Nor could it be the thought of my fathers suicide and the image of the very bridge he jumped from.

No my addiction started and ENDED with me.

All of these traumas were just chapters of my life story. These things didn’t have to define me.

I let these images and emptiness in because its all I ever knew. I indulged in reckless behavior and years of addiction because I was comfortable there.

Guilt wasn’t enough for me to stop. There was not a single soul on this earth that was going to help me stop.

Why does it take us so long to realize we deserve better?

That WE deserve to be undeniably happy with the person we are.

We’re comfortable in our addiction and chaotic life. We think we have it “all under control.”

We do not.

I often wonder what I look like from others prospective now. Sober me.

I was so confident as an addict. Untouchable, careless and wild. But I wasn’t happy.

Today, sober and nearing 30, not as confident but my soul is at peace. I’m not fighting the same demons I once was for so many years. I’m not rushing through life with anxiety because my dealer won’t answer a text or call.

I’ve let that little girl inside me with so much trauma and heartache finally go to rest.

It’s time for this new chapter of life to be fulfilling and breathtaking and not rushed.

-Lyndsi

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Always “More”

The funny thing about addiction is..you really don’t fully comprehend how bad it is until you truly want better.

I tried for what seemed like forever to become “fully” sober. But as I became less and less indulged in active addiction I found myself grasping for anything that would just take the edge off a smidge.

In and out of smoke shops trying new “legal” substances that would take me somewhere I had no business being anymore; high.

Taking a pill here and there to just “calm my nerves” knowing damn good and well my body and addiction never would allow “just one.”

I had to fully give up the life I lived for so long to truly live a life I want to stay sober in.

Recovery wasn’t as fast as it looked to outsiders. I battled my demons alone as I always have.

But this time I came out on top.

I was finally able to stop grasping for something more and hold on to what I had.

-Lyndsi