Guilt in Recovery- The Years Pass While Guilt Stays

Everyone knows how empowering it feels to kick an addiction and come out on top. But, nobody tells you about the immense amount of guilt you were going to feel reflecting on your past self and mistakes you made. Yes, you make your amends and you apologize to who you need and you’re supposed to let go. Just like that, you have to come to terms with the people you hurt along the way. Nobody tells you just how absolutely heart breaking it is going to be to come to terms with the fact that during your self-destruction journey you tore apart the very people who hung on to who they knew you could be.

Years later and here I am once again dragging my heart through the ringer because I can not believe that the amount of love my husband has for me is still here after putting him through the worst years of our lives. I know, I know it’s time to move on Lyndsi. It’s time for me to allow myself to receive the love my husband has been trying to shower me in since the day we met.

My addiction and emotional patterns stem from childhood trauma and an intense fight or flight reaction that I have never been able to grow from until now. I have never worked so hard on myself than I have these past couple of years and this is something I need help with and I am not afraid to say it is hard as hell.

I constantly apologize to my husband. I constantly let him know how much I love and appreciate everything he has done for me. Why? Because the things I have done in the past still eat me alive.

My husband sent this to me this morning. How did I get so damn lucky?! When do I start feeling that I am enough for his love?! But how very true he is. Five years ago I was lost, beat down, and destroying everything I loved.

At what point do I finally let go of what I did and who I was and accept that the person I am today is healing and worthy?

Recovering addicts and children of addicts are some of the strongest people you will ever meet. I don’t just say that because I have been grateful enough to survive and overcome both. I say that because I know how easy it could have been to give up. How easy it is to go backwards and say “screw it, I am better off numb.

The silent battles we face each and every day would be enough for any regular person to throw in the towel. Not us, we have seen the dark and lived in it for so long that there is no way in hell we want to go back. We just need better coping mechanisms to get us along our recovery journey. Better ways of letting go of what was and allowing what will be.

The ones that have stood beside us in our darkest moments are the ones we will cherish forever. Patience all around plays a big part in healing. Patience in yourself to know you are slowly but surely becoming the person you needed to be long ago. Patience from those who love you for all that you are and who you are meant to be.

Here’s to letting go.

An Addicts Help

I feel like I haven’t had much time lately to sit and truly express myself like I have been and last night something just pulled at my little heart strings and I knew I had to get it out.

My husband drinks. Every day. Like clock work. Yes, as a recovering addict this could be triggering but surprisingly, I do not crave alcohol as much as I craved my other drugs of choice. Maybe it is because hes my husband and that he is so good to me, that I hadn’t let it bother me much.

Recently my husband has been experiencing some slight health issues and of course my first thoughts are “you need to lose the friggin’ beer!” Oh, but how ironic of me right?! The same man who begged me for years to to put down the booze, not because of my health but for the sake of our family. And here I am preaching to him about the affects of alcohol. Sheesh.

My thought process was ‘how much better my mind and body feels being sober’, and that he would too. Besides that, if we do not learn and grow together there is always going to be miscommunication somewhere…right?! But look how long it actually took me to realize that on my own? Literally years.

It is quite different once the tables are turned. I mean, take my journey for example…Inpatient rehab, outpatient rehab, AA meetings and church was never even enough for me…what the hell are my words going to do for him?! I see now why there are so many different approaches to this. There is never really one good answer.

I have seen what alcohol seemingly does to the body. I sat and watched it turn my my strong independent mother into a frail, bed ridden, dying woman. Yet again, that was not enough for me to stray away from it. Sadly, that was just my beginning for a downward spiral with alcohol and drugs.

I have also seen the resilience in my husbands approach to steering me out of that life. He never gave up on me, and knew I was still worth being saved. I’ll be damned if I don’t return the favor, and help him become a better him. But how?!

Now I am nowhere saying my husband is anything like me. No, not at all. His behavior when he drinks never seems to change. He is not self destructive like I was. He doesn’t go out and ruin his life every time he drinks. And he still wakes up each morning (gets a little harder these days) and works his ass off. The kind of “drinker” I tried to be.

I often ask him if he has ever experienced some sort of “ah ha” moment or “awakening” in life and always get the same answer. “I’ve always been the same, just me.” I only ask because I hadn’t experienced this either until I really got sober. If only I could take what I have experienced with becoming sober and show him how much more peaceful it has made my mind become. I know persistence is key with him. Nagging probably doesn’t help, but man is that easy for me! haha.

Either way, I only want the best and to experience more of this crazy life with a happier and healthier husband. I guess deep down I always knew I wanted to help others with these struggles, who knew I would start right here at home.

That’s A Huge…BRIDGE!

(Catch my “Deuce Bigalo” pun!?)

So, since my husband has been working in Arizona, we have lived in Arizona and Nevada most of Covid (yikes). With all of the restrictions on things we hadn’t been able to see the Hoover Dam. Well, up until a couple weeks ago you couldn’t. And to be honest, I was perfectly content about not ever seeing it. I’m terribly afraid of heights…and bridges…something about falling to my death somehow or someway takes over me. Also, the whole dad suicide thing gives me the quivers as well.

Anyway, my husband had been religiously keeping up on when they will open back up to the public. He’s seen it before when he was younger and wanted to experience with us. Obviously I couldn’t hold him or the kids back from this once in a lifetime chance for a lot of people. Even me.

Well after sun screening the sh*t out of my face and kids, we were off on yet another Runge adventure.

Y’all, I made it up the stair walk and little informative tunnels up to the bridge and I was done. The noises of the flying passing semis and the thought of walking right beside it all consumed me. All of this..just to look over the side of one of the tallest dang bridges I’ve ever come across…stopped my mom britches in their tracks.

Yep. I chickened out. I did not go to the look over on the bridge AND I nearly held my daughter back from going as well. I’m not sure why but my anxiety about the heights made my mama heart think she was in danger and I told her to stay beside me. My poor baby cried because she wanted to go with her brother and dad. I knew my fears were irrational so, I stayed back and had the husband hold her hand tightly.

The pure excitement on my girls face when they came marching back to me was priceless. And to think she almost missed it because of my irrational fears…ugh. (Just one more reason to continue working on myself!)

The view from the bridge over Hoover Dam

We went ahead and finished up our day adventure by driving on down to the dam and taking the walk from the Nevada side down to the Arizona side. I must say, it was some of the most amazing views I had ever seen.

Though, I made sure to stay furthest from the sides of the wall to hinder my anxiety, I still took in the certain “awe” you get from being on and around something so massive.

All in all, the day was one for the books. My kids got to see some amazing structures and learn about the Hoover Dam. My husband got to finally check this off his to-do list and well I…I got the chance to be present and in the moment with them all.

My kids may not realize it but these are the memories and adventures I keep pushing myself for. The reason I wake up each day and try a little harder. I want these memories to be something they pull out to talk to their kids and grand children about.

I get a new chance every day to live in these moments. I am nowhere near where I want to be, but I am better than who I was yesterday, and she is a hell of a lot better than who I was just two years ago.

Bridge over dam that I did not walk on!
The dam looking down from bridge.
At least I got pictures with them on the dam!
My reasons for being better, taking in some awesome views.
My husband and I in front of the dam bridge 😉

Love the views? Check out this awesome drone that will ABSOLUTELY help you capture those amazing, breathtaking views.

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Let The Past Die, So YOU Can Live.

My past is just that, the past. I no longer spend so much time sitting in my bed thinking of the horrible, cringe worthy, shitty (so. very. shitty) things I did while I drowned out my demons. It wasn’t until recently and with the help of my very best friend that I actually found a tiny glimpse of peace with it. See, the things I had done I never felt any guilt for. I didn’t feel that guilt for most of the things I had done until years later while in the process of repairing myself. Yes, I am a very kind person sober. Drunk Lyndsi, oh boy, not so much. High Lyndsi? She was friendly, wayyy too “friendly.”And drunk Lyndsi, she was around more often than not.

Its kind of ironic ya know, I watched my mom be the “drunk” everywhere we went and I swore I would never be that mom. Yet, as soon as she died from cirrhosis of the liver my first thought was to wash down my pain with anything I could get my hands on. Kind of makes you wonder what kind of demons my mother was fighting on her own? Guess I’ll never truly know.

Funny how things work. When you you finally put in the work to dig yourself out of the hell you put yourself in, you see yourself as a whole different person. The things or person you were before now make your stomach sick. The very thought of being the person I am today doing these things rocked me to my core.

For months I struggled with “why” why on earth did I have to do these things to my family. The only people in the entire world who stood beside me through failed rehab attempts, stupid embarrassing drunk nights and down right unpleasant come downs from whatever I was using the night before. I dragged them through hell with me and still they loved me.

That’s unconditional love y’all, and I finally realize that. For so long I was mourning the loss of my mother’s unconditional love that I pushed away every attempt of unconditional love my little family so willingly tried to shower me in. My husband just wanted me better, he wanted his wife back. And he fought like hell to get me back while I fought like hell to stay in the comfortable numb place I had buried myself in.

It gets a little easier every day, but I always have to put in the work. I have to push myself to make better choices than the day before. Getting better doesn’t just happen over night, it comes in phases and I’m glad to say the phase of dwelling on my past has nearly ended.

Addiction “Trap”- Why I Fell So Hard Into Addiction

It wasn’t my undeniable, unresolved childhood trauma. The images of my mother and father using needles “secretly” around me and my sister.

It couldn’t have been the adult I was rushed into by having a child so young.

No, it sure couldn’t have been the depression and emptiness I felt as I watched my mother die before my eyes from years of her own battle of addiction.

Nor could it be the thought of my fathers suicide and the image of the very bridge he jumped from.

No my addiction started and ENDED with me.

All of these traumas were just chapters of my life story. These things didn’t have to define me.

I let these images and emptiness in because its all I ever knew. I indulged in reckless behavior and years of addiction because I was comfortable there.

Guilt wasn’t enough for me to stop. There was not a single soul on this earth that was going to help me stop.

Why does it take us so long to realize we deserve better?

That WE deserve to be undeniably happy with the person we are.

We’re comfortable in our addiction and chaotic life. We think we have it “all under control.”

We do not.

I often wonder what I look like from others prospective now. Sober me.

I was so confident as an addict. Untouchable, careless and wild. But I wasn’t happy.

Today, sober and nearing 30, not as confident but my soul is at peace. I’m not fighting the same demons I once was for so many years. I’m not rushing through life with anxiety because my dealer won’t answer a text or call.

I’ve let that little girl inside me with so much trauma and heartache finally go to rest.

It’s time for this new chapter of life to be fulfilling and breathtaking and not rushed.

-Lyndsi

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Always “More”

The funny thing about addiction is..you really don’t fully comprehend how bad it is until you truly want better.

I tried for what seemed like forever to become “fully” sober. But as I became less and less indulged in active addiction I found myself grasping for anything that would just take the edge off a smidge.

In and out of smoke shops trying new “legal” substances that would take me somewhere I had no business being anymore; high.

Taking a pill here and there to just “calm my nerves” knowing damn good and well my body and addiction never would allow “just one.”

I had to fully give up the life I lived for so long to truly live a life I want to stay sober in.

Recovery wasn’t as fast as it looked to outsiders. I battled my demons alone as I always have.

But this time I came out on top.

I was finally able to stop grasping for something more and hold on to what I had.

-Lyndsi

Recovery

Sober. I can finally say I am sober.

Years of pretending to be sober or just a fun drunk seemingly destroyed my life.

It wasn’t just one thing, it was all of it. I wanted anything that would destroy my outlook on reality because I didn’t care.

Years I drank my self stupid. Every night alone I drank and used and made a fool of myself.

Why didn’t I see it then? Why didn’t I see the mess and chaos I was causing? The hurt in my children from having such a chaotic life with mom. The hurt in my husband from having this new unknown wife who is an addict and a liar.

I will never fully understand why I didn’t get tired of my bullshit sooner.

Maybe it was because I pretended to be sober for so long only to realize…people weren’t falling for my bullshit.

I got sober for no one but myself. I chose to have a healthier less chaotic life for my children. The pain in my husband and children’s eyes were never enough for me to be completely sober.

I needed to become so tired of my own bullshit and tired of “pretending” to find myself.

That’s where your life really begins again, when you let go of everything you’re NOT and allow yourself to slowly come back to the world.

-Lyndsi

Top Three Personal Growth MUSTS for Better Mental Health

See, I’ve had a very “blah” last couple of days. I get this way often. But something was so different about the last three weeks that my mind had suddenly felt a little calmer..maybe even a peaceful place to be for now.

Today though, it was not one of the “good” days. My anxiety and negative thoughts got the best of me. I didn’t want to continue this writing or trying my hand at this blog thing at all. I told myself I was a failure and I’m not good at anything.

Today I don’t have a wild RV adventure to share with you. I spent my day pulling myself out of my funk by reminding myself how far I have come and why. So I decided to share what I wrote down in my notes folder in my phone that has helped me grow as a stronger person, mother and wife. Like I said it’s been one Hell of a ride.

  • Keep your personal and relationship issues to yourself. Unless you’re having a heart to heart with your best friend..never allow someone else to gossip about your hardships. When people have nothing better to do, they tend to gossip about your screw ups and mishaps. Don’t let it happen. Even when you’re doing well..keep pushing and celebrate with those who know you best. I’m a definite over sharer and this has probably been one of the most important things I’ve had to learn!
  • Save YOURSELF. Being alone with yourself and thoughts for a long period of time..you get tired of your own damn self. There is no one else in the world that is going to make things better for you BUT YOU!!! You have to make the better choices for yourself and find out who you really are and everything that is not you..you have to let go! This has been 100% the most important for me. Over the course of this pandemic I have learned to be alone and heal MYSELF on my own. Although it’s been a tough lonely road..I can finally say I do NOT feel guilty for the choices I make for myself NOW more now than I ever have..and I haven’t felt that way in a very LONG time.
  • Love those who love you and be present. This has taken me more time than to understand..I have commitment issues and still do. Not only with relationships but with future commitments and goals as well. Somehow I always make up scenarios in my mind as to why things that are seemingly going well..will never work out. Im working on be more present and enjoying what I have in front of me. (I do this thing really well where I just self sabotage everything!😩) This life is short..we don’t get a do-over!!! Take care of yourself for fuck sakes and enjoy the little things that are happening today because tomorrow just isn’t promised.

I’m not sure how many people will actually get to see this post, but if I can dig myself out of a dark hell anyone can!

As I sat in the park today with my kiddos enjoying the Mountain View’s I had to remind myself how very lucky I am to be their mother and I HAVE to be present for them.

Reading something positive each has really helped me in my personal growth. No, I am not just saying that…it truly has helped me become better and stay on the right path. I actually came across a book on amazon for a “Year of Positive Thinking” and thought it might be perfect for anyone who might need that extra push each day!

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