Everyone knows how empowering it feels to kick an addiction and come out on top. But, nobody tells you about the immense amount of guilt you were going to feel reflecting on your past self and mistakes you made. Yes, you make your amends and you apologize to who you need and you’re supposed to let go. Just like that, you have to come to terms with the people you hurt along the way. Nobody tells you just how absolutely heart breaking it is going to be to come to terms with the fact that during your self-destruction journey you tore apart the very people who hung on to who they knew you could be.
Years later and here I am once again dragging my heart through the ringer because I can not believe that the amount of love my husband has for me is still here after putting him through the worst years of our lives. I know, I know it’s time to move on Lyndsi. It’s time for me to allow myself to receive the love my husband has been trying to shower me in since the day we met.
My addiction and emotional patterns stem from childhood trauma and an intense fight or flight reaction that I have never been able to grow from until now. I have never worked so hard on myself than I have these past couple of years and this is something I need help with and I am not afraid to say it is hard as hell.
I constantly apologize to my husband. I constantly let him know how much I love and appreciate everything he has done for me. Why? Because the things I have done in the past still eat me alive.
My husband sent this to me this morning. How did I get so damn lucky?! When do I start feeling that I am enough for his love?! But how very true he is. Five years ago I was lost, beat down, and destroying everything I loved.
At what point do I finally let go of what I did and who I was and accept that the person I am today is healing and worthy?
Recovering addicts and children of addicts are some of the strongest people you will ever meet. I don’t just say that because I have been grateful enough to survive and overcome both. I say that because I know how easy it could have been to give up. How easy it is to go backwards and say “screw it, I am better off numb.”
The silent battles we face each and every day would be enough for any regular person to throw in the towel. Not us, we have seen the dark and lived in it for so long that there is no way in hell we want to go back. We just need better coping mechanisms to get us along our recovery journey. Better ways of letting go of what was and allowing what will be.
The ones that have stood beside us in our darkest moments are the ones we will cherish forever. Patience all around plays a big part in healing. Patience in yourself to know you are slowly but surely becoming the person you needed to be long ago. Patience from those who love you for all that you are and who you are meant to be.
So, I took a bit of a hiatus from writing or sharing anything for a couple weeks just because I could NOT for the life of me focus on anything for more than two seconds. Shout out to my stress and anxiety for that! WACKKK.
Anyway, I didn’t even plan on sharing much this week either, even though we have taken a couple of pretty intense road trips and had some pretty share worthy experiences the last couple weeks I felt that I needed to release some of what I had been dealing with inside my head. For what it’s worth, I just hope it helps someone else going through a similar situation.
If you have read my past posts then you know I have dealt with some pretty heavy sh*t in my life and being a recovering addict. Recovery has been the greatest part of my journey thus far and I have realized so much more about my life than I ever could have imagined by simply digging down deep and continuing on this self-growth journey. BUT, this has also been the hardest things I have ever had to do. Being an addict was easy. Being on medications for all of these psychological problems or mental illness doctors pinged on me was easy. I was zombie for all those years and I had no want or need to feel anything but the numbness that came with being on medicine or being drunk and high. I also had no reason to dig down within and heal myself from past traumas or mistakes I had made and let that sh*t go. Until now. Sober Lyndsi would enjoy a more peaceful mind and soul. What I thought I had healed from just scratched the surface of what I really need to face head on. And at 28 it is about damn time to heal from those mistakes and childhood traumas and just be happy. I have a LOT of letting go to do.
As I laid in bed last night I began my nightly ritual of trying to calm my pounding heart and racing mind. It usually never works and my thoughts just take over until I become so exhausted with it I somehow fall asleep and start the same process over again in the morning as soon my mind wakes up. But, last night I had a short glimpse of relief. I saw myself as a young child at the beach with my mother. She was in her beach chair surrounded by seaweed smiling away with her crooked drunk grin as the sea breeze blew her short blonde hair away from her face. It all came in so vividly. This was my mothers favorite place and where I spent my entire childhood each and every chance we had. This was probably the last real time I had ever felt a real peace in my life. Being a care-free six year old, burying my legs in the sand while my favorite person in the entire world smiled and took in every single moment. And now I can only try and remember those moments because they became so far and in between shortly after. My mind has always been on fight or flight mode and I had no idea. Even after the all years and all the hard work I have put into being a better person and healing. I am still that child that is in a constant fight or flight mode and have yet to learn how to just find my peace in nothinghappening. From a traumatized child to the young mother who’s father killed himself to the woman who watched her mother die, I have been in a constant survival mode going from one trauma to the next. Who THE F*CK wouldn’t be afraid of what’s coming next?! How do you tell your mind everything is going to be okay when your heart has had just about all it can take and always expects the worst?! I haven’t yet figured that out. I know my history and I know my patterns. Everything will be going fine and in true Lyndsi fashion I will make something out of nothing because that is what is supposed to happen right?! Something must go wrong if things are too peaceful for too long right?! Uh, absolutely not. But try telling that to my ding dang brain that has been fully equipped with tools on how to self sabotage and a heart ready to flee at any given moment. Yeah, it may take a bit longer on my healing journey but I know where I need to start.
The good news is, it is never too late to work on yourself and learn new ways of thinking and DAMN IT give yourself a fighting chance to learn those things! If I have learned anything from the last couple weeks of battling my own mind and shutting out everything and everyone, is that you are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for. We are wanted, we are needed AND we are worthy of happiness WITHOUT chaos and destruction.
It’s no secret that the key to having a happier life starts with your mindset. Sounds easy right? Wrong! It has only taken me, oh I don’t know…my entire twenties to realize this. Don’t let it be you too. It hasn’t been easy by any means. I am what you would call a “people pleaser.” I would regularly put others happiness and feelings before my own 100% of the time… all of the time. My mind had finally become so filled with everyone else’s bullsh*t, it was time I made some changes.
It was somewhere between isolation and detaching that I finally started to really find myself. And that took boundaries.
Detaching was crucial for my self discovering journey. I spent so much time seeking gratification elsewhere and from others that I never knew what it was like to actually accept me…for me. I feel emotions and energy a hell of a lot more than I would like but that is who I am and I am finally learning to love her. I mean, it has only taken me years of insignificant relationships and looking for acceptance from others to realizeall I need is to understand myself fully. I had to take a step back from everything and everyone all at once. I had to realize I was the only person in the way of my own happiness. I was allowing everyone’s opinion and image of me control that. We cannot help what other people say or think. We cant control others point of views. Not everyone believes or thinks the same way as you. And that is perfectly fine…if you don’t allow it to eat at you. But of course all of our opinions are the correct ways of thinking right?! Nope. Never gonna happen.
When everything and everyone around you starts to become so overwhelming and nothing seems to be going your way. It is time to take a step back and re-evaluate.Find yourself again.Your true self.Create healthy (I cannot stress this enough) boundaries. Get rid of social media if you need to, take some time for yourself and focus on making you better. Honestly, I think getting rid of all my social media accounts was probably the best idea I had in a very long time. The endless scrolling through filtered BS and the crazy standards of people became so overwhelming. Why I added that on top of my already messy mind each day is beyond me.
Detach from anyone or anything that just plain is not making your life easier at the moment. Sounds a bit cruel, but I promise you, it makes it so much easier to work on yourself and only yourself. If they take offense to you working on yourself, they might have issues of their own to work on. But I am telling you, if the slightest inconvenience of someone else’s opinion of you makes you cringe and you automatically want to fix it…don’t. Do not let that consume you. Always have the power to let it go. Reel yourself back in and breathe. Create a better you, for yourself and only yourself. The happier and healthier your mindset is the less you give a damn. And boy I am getting better at not giving a damn every single day.
If I had to give anyone advice on becoming a better version of yourself, it would be to give yourself time. Work on it little by little each and every day. Always put yourself first. Stop putting up with crap you would not allow yourself to put others through. If you have to set boundaries with family…do it. Let go of any unhealthy relationships. And last but not least make sure you always have your best intentions at heart. You cannot pour from an empty cup my friends.
I’m not exactly sure when it all clicked for me, or what I was doing that day. But one day I finally felt a little better. If I had to guess.. it comes down to three simple things.
Have a positive influence. Having someone who sees what a beautiful human you are and truly knows there is something wonderful under all that chaos to be discovered. If you don’t have a “person” BECOME that person. Read something positive, give yourself pep talks, scroll through positive quotes on Facebook all day. Do whatever YOU need to have something positive in your life. Everyone needs someone to tell them its all going to be alright in the end. Thankfully I have two. My husband- whom I’ve let down more times than I can count, and my best friend- the one person who has been by my side through every stage of my crazy life.
Motivation. Why do you want to become better? What keeps you pushing and coming back for more in this world? What exactly is it that keep those feet sturdy on the ground and moving forward? For me, it will always be my children. Even when I made the worst decisions as a mother. The endless days and months I let them down. They still looked at me with loving eyes for guidance. That is my greatest motivation.
The Will. You have to have the will to to learn more. You have to realize you have been repeating the same actions over and over again and its getting the same crap results. The will to not only survive as a human but toTHRIVE. My will had to be dug up from the very pit I buried it in. I had given up. Given up on myself, my marriage and my life. I thought I was already too far gone. It seemed like it wasn’t until I allowed myself to believe there was positive in my life, that I started to see change.
I’m no expert but I believe with everything in me that these are the very reasons I am who I am right now in this chapter of my life. When I finally allowed myself to let in the good and learn a new way of living is the day I started to enjoy the person I am becoming.