Some days are just better than others. Today was not one of those days. I wanted to give up today. Nothing I did seemed right. Everything I have worked so hard for..I wanted to just say “screw it!”
The person I am today has spent so much time “fixing” everything past me has messed up. And today, I just lost it.
I cried. I cried hard. I’m talking the gross, snotty tears that you cry so hard it takes a minute to catch your breath kind of stuff.
Trying to repair myself and life all at once has been costly. Not only meaning money wise, but mentally, emotionally and physically. As if it wasn’t bad enough on my marriage and children…my addictions took a toll on my overall health. I am constantly in a battle of which problem to tackle next on my health. “Should I go to the dentist or doctor this month?”, “My teeth hurt, but I should check on my stomach issues.” Each month it’s like there is something new. I know I did these things to myself, but when you are an addict these problems are last on your list. You think “I’ll take care of that when it gets here.” Well Lyndsi, it’s here. I know, I swore not to dwell on my past self, but man has she consumed me today!
It wasn’t until my daughter came in to give me a LEGO heart that her and her brother made for me that I really caught my breath.
My children have literally been through it all with me. My son even more so. We have done a lot of growing up together in his short ten years. I have done a a pretty good job at keeping my emotions to myself lately…until today.
I know they don’t truly understand, but the way they only wanted to help mom smile tells me I have got to be doing something right.
I can’t just give up. I am doing this life for them.
Yes, some days are going to be better than others, but there is still one goal. To live a life I am proud of. If that means crying my eyeballs out on a Monday afternoon and then conquering my Tuesday morning, I am here for it.