So Long Nevada!

So how about Thanksgiving 2020, eh? I mean, I feel like it was not as bad as some of my past Thanksgiving get-together’s. But, it sure didn’t feel like the “norm” either.

Thanksgiving has been a pretty dreaded holiday for me for the past five years anyway. It only happens to mark the last holiday I ever spent with my mother (If you would call it that). She made it maybe 5 minutes at the dinner table with us and had to lay down in my bedroom for the rest of the time. She passed away just four days later. Sad yes, the reason our Thanksgiving felt weird? Not really.

I have never had a Thanksgiving that did not feel rushed and “put together” like we did this year. Steaks. We had steaks. No ham, no turkey, no deviled eggs. No rushing, no cute holiday outfit to prance around the living room in. Nothing but business as usual. Not that I hated it, it just was different.

To be totally honest it was my first Thanksgiving I was really sober and in a good mental space. I was not crying over my mom at every little turn. I didn’t have any crazy expectation to meet because my mom did it. I was just enjoying my day.

Maybe I am also a little peppier these days just because we are FINALLY getting out of Nevada and this awful desert life in just sixteen short days!!!! I know, I should take in each and every beautiful destination we come across but I am pretty sure the desert has tried to kill me. Seriously, this sun is awful. No rain is awful. We happened to move here and in our unlucky Runge fashion, we experienced record breaking heat. Lets not forget the crazy high prices on every single item is just ridiculous! I am more than ready to get out of here! It has been real Nevada, but you have not been nice. Glad to mark that off the map and move on!

Anyway enough bashing I suppose. Things could be worse! We are finally heading back home to Texas waiting out the lay off and working on our tiny home. In a sense, I am in fact panicking a little, but I try to look at the bright side of everything. We finally get some down time to just be together and work on something together while the husband is not working. This should be interesting considering he gets stir crazy on his one day off a week! I’m sure I can find enough honey-do’s for him to last a week or so! Ha!

I always need a plan and if there is not a “plan” I tend to get a little obnoxious. I am literally all over the place scrambling the internet for job openings or what ever else my mind believes we will need while he is laid off. Yes, we saved for this but as I mentioned before “Runge” luck. Our truck that I used to haul our car here gave out. Total engine replacement. Did I mention it is 16 days till we LEAVE? YAY! Moving back across country with two kids two adults and a Great Dane all in a compact, tiny Ford Focus sounds like the perfect send off Nevada could give us. BOO!

All in all we made it a whole year travelling from Texas to Oklahoma, Arizona and Nevada. We have seen so many amazing sights. I have learned so many different things about myself and family along this trip. I have learned how resilient my children are being faced with the pressures of homeschooling and distant learning. I have felt the compassion of my husband while I thought I could not be a mother, teacher and wife all at once. Last but not least I have found a spark in myself that I would have never found without this journey. We have overcame so many challenges and struggles together as a family that I could not be anymore proud of us. We did this all together, and we made it…barely…but we made it.

There is no telling where we will end up on our travels or what is in store for us next, but there is no doubt that when we are together as a family we are strong, we are happy and we are home.

So long desert sun! ‘Till next time!

-Lyndsi

Finding Peace Anywhere

Lately I have been feeling pretty overwhelmed. As you know, living in a camper can get that way. In the midst of preparing for a layoff, finding home school balance and now Christmas…it’s easy to feel like it’s all too much.

This past weekend my husband finally had a full weekend off and after all of our camper errands were ran he wanted to show us what he has been working on this entire time we have been in Nevada. I might not have mentioned it much but my husband is a Crane Operator and helps change the look of our landscape. (Its way cooler to say it that way!) He has been a part of the building of a wind farm in Arizona for the last six months. (Also, this is a terrible photo but one I took myself.)

Terrible photo of Wind Turbines

Mind you, I have never in our 8 years of marriage EVER been interested in what he does. The endless conversations he has with co-workers are 99% about cranes or wind turbines and I never took any interest in listening. Until now.

These things are massive…the cranes they use are massive and to be honest I guess my mind has never been as clear as it is these days (chalk that right up to drugs and alcohol) to really understand all of this. We pass these wind farms all the time knowing my husband helps build them, but it has never really clicked I guess. He gets to help build these structures that change the layout of landscape for our future.

We drove through the park looking up at all of these turbines turning, listening to the incredible sound they make as the huge fan blades whoosh through the air. My husband was in his happy place. The excitement in his words as he explained each and every part was enough to make my little heart explode! I was finally listening. Not only was I listening, but I was soaking in each and every detail he gave us. I finally understand his fascination with cranes and building these enormous structures. I wanted to learn, I wanted to hear what he had to say.

I felt a certain peace just being there with them and learning about something I have been around for years now.

Becoming a better me has benefited not only myself as a person but everything around me seems to be a little more clear. I no longer have this incredible feeling of absolute guilt every day for something I have done or some terrible brain fog that I can’t shake. My brain seems to understand more and take things in more easily. I enjoy the small things I used to take for granted. I enjoy listening, and taking in new things. The exact opposite of who I once was.

As we left his job site we came across one of the most amazing double rainbows I had ever seen. I couldn’t help but to think I am exactly where I need to be in my life right now. Sober, clear headed and HERE for my husband and kids.

Staying off drugs and alcohol has probably been one of the most toughest parts of my adult life (so damn hard!), but it has been one of the most rewarding for sure.

-Lyndsi

Let The Past Die, So YOU Can Live.

My past is just that, the past. I no longer spend so much time sitting in my bed thinking of the horrible, cringe worthy, shitty (so. very. shitty) things I did while I drowned out my demons. It wasn’t until recently and with the help of my very best friend that I actually found a tiny glimpse of peace with it. See, the things I had done I never felt any guilt for. I didn’t feel that guilt for most of the things I had done until years later while in the process of repairing myself. Yes, I am a very kind person sober. Drunk Lyndsi, oh boy, not so much. High Lyndsi? She was friendly, wayyy too “friendly.”And drunk Lyndsi, she was around more often than not.

Its kind of ironic ya know, I watched my mom be the “drunk” everywhere we went and I swore I would never be that mom. Yet, as soon as she died from cirrhosis of the liver my first thought was to wash down my pain with anything I could get my hands on. Kind of makes you wonder what kind of demons my mother was fighting on her own? Guess I’ll never truly know.

Funny how things work. When you you finally put in the work to dig yourself out of the hell you put yourself in, you see yourself as a whole different person. The things or person you were before now make your stomach sick. The very thought of being the person I am today doing these things rocked me to my core.

For months I struggled with “why” why on earth did I have to do these things to my family. The only people in the entire world who stood beside me through failed rehab attempts, stupid embarrassing drunk nights and down right unpleasant come downs from whatever I was using the night before. I dragged them through hell with me and still they loved me.

That’s unconditional love y’all, and I finally realize that. For so long I was mourning the loss of my mother’s unconditional love that I pushed away every attempt of unconditional love my little family so willingly tried to shower me in. My husband just wanted me better, he wanted his wife back. And he fought like hell to get me back while I fought like hell to stay in the comfortable numb place I had buried myself in.

It gets a little easier every day, but I always have to put in the work. I have to push myself to make better choices than the day before. Getting better doesn’t just happen over night, it comes in phases and I’m glad to say the phase of dwelling on my past has nearly ended.

Addiction “Trap”- Why I Fell So Hard Into Addiction

It wasn’t my undeniable, unresolved childhood trauma. The images of my mother and father using needles “secretly” around me and my sister.

It couldn’t have been the adult I was rushed into by having a child so young.

No, it sure couldn’t have been the depression and emptiness I felt as I watched my mother die before my eyes from years of her own battle of addiction.

Nor could it be the thought of my fathers suicide and the image of the very bridge he jumped from.

No my addiction started and ENDED with me.

All of these traumas were just chapters of my life story. These things didn’t have to define me.

I let these images and emptiness in because its all I ever knew. I indulged in reckless behavior and years of addiction because I was comfortable there.

Guilt wasn’t enough for me to stop. There was not a single soul on this earth that was going to help me stop.

Why does it take us so long to realize we deserve better?

That WE deserve to be undeniably happy with the person we are.

We’re comfortable in our addiction and chaotic life. We think we have it “all under control.”

We do not.

I often wonder what I look like from others prospective now. Sober me.

I was so confident as an addict. Untouchable, careless and wild. But I wasn’t happy.

Today, sober and nearing 30, not as confident but my soul is at peace. I’m not fighting the same demons I once was for so many years. I’m not rushing through life with anxiety because my dealer won’t answer a text or call.

I’ve let that little girl inside me with so much trauma and heartache finally go to rest.

It’s time for this new chapter of life to be fulfilling and breathtaking and not rushed.

-Lyndsi

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Top Three Personal Growth MUSTS for Better Mental Health

See, I’ve had a very “blah” last couple of days. I get this way often. But something was so different about the last three weeks that my mind had suddenly felt a little calmer..maybe even a peaceful place to be for now.

Today though, it was not one of the “good” days. My anxiety and negative thoughts got the best of me. I didn’t want to continue this writing or trying my hand at this blog thing at all. I told myself I was a failure and I’m not good at anything.

Today I don’t have a wild RV adventure to share with you. I spent my day pulling myself out of my funk by reminding myself how far I have come and why. So I decided to share what I wrote down in my notes folder in my phone that has helped me grow as a stronger person, mother and wife. Like I said it’s been one Hell of a ride.

  • Keep your personal and relationship issues to yourself. Unless you’re having a heart to heart with your best friend..never allow someone else to gossip about your hardships. When people have nothing better to do, they tend to gossip about your screw ups and mishaps. Don’t let it happen. Even when you’re doing well..keep pushing and celebrate with those who know you best. I’m a definite over sharer and this has probably been one of the most important things I’ve had to learn!
  • Save YOURSELF. Being alone with yourself and thoughts for a long period of time..you get tired of your own damn self. There is no one else in the world that is going to make things better for you BUT YOU!!! You have to make the better choices for yourself and find out who you really are and everything that is not you..you have to let go! This has been 100% the most important for me. Over the course of this pandemic I have learned to be alone and heal MYSELF on my own. Although it’s been a tough lonely road..I can finally say I do NOT feel guilty for the choices I make for myself NOW more now than I ever have..and I haven’t felt that way in a very LONG time.
  • Love those who love you and be present. This has taken me more time than to understand..I have commitment issues and still do. Not only with relationships but with future commitments and goals as well. Somehow I always make up scenarios in my mind as to why things that are seemingly going well..will never work out. Im working on be more present and enjoying what I have in front of me. (I do this thing really well where I just self sabotage everything!😩) This life is short..we don’t get a do-over!!! Take care of yourself for fuck sakes and enjoy the little things that are happening today because tomorrow just isn’t promised.

I’m not sure how many people will actually get to see this post, but if I can dig myself out of a dark hell anyone can!

As I sat in the park today with my kiddos enjoying the Mountain View’s I had to remind myself how very lucky I am to be their mother and I HAVE to be present for them.

Reading something positive each has really helped me in my personal growth. No, I am not just saying that…it truly has helped me become better and stay on the right path. I actually came across a book on amazon for a “Year of Positive Thinking” and thought it might be perfect for anyone who might need that extra push each day!

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No “Normal”

For the full time camper travelling mom who has a mental breakdown at least three times a week…it’s going to be okay. Just breath and know you are doing your best.

But, lets be real.

Sometimes its not.

This lifestyle is not for the faint of heart, especially for us Empaths and very emotional mommas with one or more kids. Let’s not forget to mention the HUGE black cloud of “what if’s” from Covid and the constant worry of what is going to happen next?!

It is always the same battles we’re fighting each time we move to a new RV park.

  • Are we always going to home school or should we switch from school to school?
  • Wanting a real home for our kids with their own personal room space.
  • A “normal” life. (Trust me, there is no such thing.)
  • Is this way of life even right for my children?

Trust me, I have thought about the last one more than ANYTHING.

Despite all of the “what ifs” and heavy anxiety decisions here we are! Still trekking and travelling on. And do you know what the beauty of it is? We have experienced A LOT of “firsts” together as a family. The amount of breathtaking views and countless adventures we have been on together outweigh ANY anxiety I have had about my decision any day.

Making the decision to go full time on the road with my family has never come easy for me. (Surprise, surprise!) It has had its fair share of ups and downs. HEAVY on the downs. (That is a whole story in its own!)

I have never been one to share my feelings or allow anyone to shame the way I raise my children, but I want other mothers in a similar situation to know there ARE more of us!

Who am I?

Hi all!!! Welcome to my chaotic, blissful crazy life on wheels!

I’m a 28 (forever 25!!) year old mom, wife, recovering addict and now trying my hand at this blogging life. Who knows who this will reach but my goal is to help any fellow struggling mother-camper out anyway I can. If my struggles or in depth mental health problems can help a mother in the same shoes…why the hell not?!

I started writing because my sober thoughts became much more meaningful to my life and staying positive has helped me stay sober.

I have never imagined myself writing about what the hell goes on in my day to day life, but something sparked a fire under my ass and well, here we are!

My life is full of sad stories, crazy roller coaster rides and years of addiction. But the one thing that has kept me sane is knowing I’m not alone in my battles, and sharing my story may just keep someone going.

As you can imagine I live in a camper with my two crotch goblins, sweet-bearded hunk of a husband and our senior Great Dane. (Doesn’t it sound dreamy already?!) But why write about it right?!

(My bearded man and said crotch goblins)

Because…THIS LIFE IS HARD. Plus, I know how stressful it can be during these crappy times (thanks COVID) and exactly how this type of lifestyle can drain you.

If you’re anything like me then you know there is a never ending battle with living on the road full time.

  • Schooling (to homeschool or go public)
  • New unknown places
  • Keeping up your mental health/ sobriety
  • Having enough space for everyone
  • The feeling of failing at motherhood